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     You wonít believe this one! Rites of Uranus opens with a close-up of a huge lit candle stuck up some poor girlís ass. She is naked upon the "Altar of Love". A group of guys in ratty monk robes called "Uranus-ites" sing "Hail to your Anus!" as they stand around turtle-waxing their genitalia.
     Lo and behold, they are a religious cult that worships the poop chute. Disciples hand out flyers on street corners. ("Lost? Find yourself in Uranus.") The latest inductee is a sleepy-eyed vixen named Sara, who is initiated into the cult. She is forced to watch a variety of spermy sex scenes, with the camera practically climbing into every winking sphincter.
     Their leader delivers a sermon: "Your anus takes my thrust and the penetrating force of my grey, hot venom shall shatter the sanctity of the mind!" (Right about now youíll be asking yourself, "What in godís name am I watching?!") Before you can say "Preparation H", Saraís puckered pooper is ready for a poke. After a torrid threesome with Sara and another butt-slut, the cult leader drops dead! Sara is handcuffed and tossed in the dungeon. ("I didnít kill him! This is a puzzle, an enigma!) "Praise be to the mighty cock." says the High Priestess, who blows the corpse.
     Eventually, Sara escapes and gets caught. She finds herself spread-eagled on the sacrificial altar, naked as a peeled banana. As sheís soundly banged by one of the cultees, the High Priestess pulls out the sacred "Sword of Uranus" (available for only $9.95 at all K-Mart stores) and jams it up his rectum. (Kids, donít try this at home.) Sara finds out the High Priest of Ass is alive (huh?!). "I sat on your face. I thought I killed you?" she says dazed. She leaves and another new member is sworn in.
     TERRI HALL was one of Adult Cinemaís first stars. She was a tight-bodied sex bomb who made loins leap in countless seventies skin flicks. (She also appeared under the name National Velvet.) Her specialty was violent, S&M-themed smut. In Terryís Sweet Revenge she plays a man-hater, hungry for revenge after being raped and sodomized. She teams up with her British girlfriend (who, in a very unpleasant flashback we see get urinated on by her boyfriend).
     They decide that men are "awful creatures" and join W.A.R. (Women Against Rape). Using W.A.R.ís mugshots of "Most Wanted" sex offenders, the girls use their wicked charms to track down and seduce the men. In a demented montage we see the pair raping guys with dildos. (What a delicious combination. Pleasure and revenge.") As the headlines scream, MEN RAPED BY WOMEN!, Terry unknowing picks up an undercover cop posing as a pervert. She shows him a 16mm porno loop where Vikings chain up girls, rape then kill them. She gives the cop oral sex, ties him up then tortures him, forcing him to snack on her beaver. Terry then ropes up his testicles, twisting them into a pretzel. (Ouch!) This scene is almost impossible to watch and left my stomach feeling like I just rode the Cyclone at Coney Island. A voice-over tell us that the cop was never heard from again!
     Directed by ZEBEDY COLT, who helmed (and acted in) more 70ís sleaze than you can shake your dick to. This oneís definitely not for the squeamish.
--Mike Accomando, Dreadful Pleasures

Trailer views: 10145
SKU: 35771
Format: DVD-R
Year: 1970s
Color: Color
Starring: Terri Hall
Directed by: Zebedy Colt


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