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Audiences weaned on today’s bland, boring adult films will blow a bowel over these two shock-packed, sex soaked relics from the Golden Age of Porn.
Jane (everybody’s favorite sex toy, RENE BOND!), Eve and their husbands Kane and Able (!) drive out to the Garden of Eden campsite. They immediately butt heads with a Bad Bad Gang
of bikers called "The Cobras". While skinny dipping at "Lake Shangri-La", Eve is abducted by a cackling, fat, boozed-up biker named Hambone. He drags her to a cave in the woods. When Jane, Kane and Able try to rescue her, they are captured by Hambone’s partner-in-slime Skip and a pair of flaked-out beatnik biker dykes.
The guys are quickly tied up. Jane is beaten like an old rug and raped by Hambone. Skip is smitten with golden-haired Eve and takes her into the woods to his love nest. "You are a fine-looking Ho." (Romantic, ain’t he!) He gives her a cookie laced with LSD. While Eve is tripping, "Skippy" spreads her like peanut butter. He then violates her in body-slapping abandon.
Wait. It gets sleazier. The crazed biker chicks are also desperate for satisfaction. They take Kane and Able back to their camp. They carry tomahawks ("I’ll part your hair!") and when Kane tries to escape, they hack his hand into a bloody mess. ("You heartless bastards! Gimmie a Band-Aid!") Kane and Able decide that if you can’t lick’em, lick’em! They pair off with the girls for some major dick drainage. Put the kids to bed ...
A lot of ink has been spilled discussing the filth-laden career of Michael Findlay. Here’s a rare chance to see one of his hardcore features. Twisted scenarios are Findlay’s trademark. Wet & Wild
is no exception.
We open with his camera prowling 42nd Street. It’s like traveling back in time, before the sacred Deuce was defanged by greedy politicians and Disney. Rows of lit-up marquees, peepshows, X-rated theatres and nudie bars bring a lump to the throat. (Snuff is shown playing at the National!)
In a Times Square grindhouse, a ski-masked sex fiend, brandishing a .38 caliber pistol, busts into the projection booth. He forces the projectionist to run porno flicks. We’re taken on a foot-to-the-floorboards ride on a sexual safari through New York City’s gutter. ("A steamy, seedy jungle of unfettered sex!") Screamingly demented narration accompanies sperm-tossing stroke footage.
We visit a haven for hookers called The Camelot (Cum-a-lot is more apt). "Hundreds of rooms. Hundreds of groaning beds." As a vacant-eyed woman plays with herself the voice-over explains, "A typical Camelot apartment, with garish Castro-Convertible furniture and a bizarre-looking girl with a brown, wooden banana who’s been told by a customer to shove it up her not-so-dainty twat."
The film roars along with slurping and slamming galore. The narrator sounds like Ron Popeil ("She’ll fuck it! She’ll suck it! She’ll twist it and jerk it till it’s blue!"). We watch some fun-loving lesbians at the Peek and Pay. ("Two underage nymphettes whose taste in underwear is pretty good.") It ends with a cum-filled orgy run by "Pete the Pimp".
All these scenes are watched by the sex-mad psycho. Apparently he didn’t get off on this "Pandora’s Palace of pounding pricks and pulsating pussies." It ends with the projectionist’s bullet-ridden body slumped against a poster of Olga’s House of Shame! This is a Michael Findlay film. You expected a happy ending?! --Mike Accomando, Dreadful Pleasures
Suzanne FieldsOther cast:
Andy Bellamy, Ric Lutze, Judy AngelDirected by: