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Wanna be in a porno? Step 1: Start fucking. Step 2: Carefully study every detail of this behind-the-scenes and under-the-sheets double feature.
Exhibit A: Start with director Vinnie Barnes (RIC LUTZE) whose porno western "Red Run the Buffaloes," is being Shot on Location. Three squaws, SUZANNE FIELDS, ANDY BELLAMY, and NANCY MARTIN, discover some interesting locations between each otherís legs after Bellamy blows a cowboy to save him from being burned a the stake. "No burn white eyes!" she gibbers before falling to her knees.
Set to star in this epic is Hanna Grimes (SANDY DEMPSEY), "second best dart thrower in Chattanooga Falls," which makes Vinnieís script girl, Maggie (RENE BOND), a tad jealous. Fortunately, producer Anson Garretís lesbian assistant, Bea (CHLORINE STILLWATER), expertly soothes the situation so that everyone falls into bed together.
But Vinnie ends up screwing Garretís wife. Carla (EVE ORLON), who he somehow thought was Hanna, and gets caught by his wife Agnes (KIM DUPONT) who, appropriately enough, shoots him on location. Which is just as well since Lutze inexplicably plays his last scene covered in a bedsheet. Really.
Exhibit B, Love Making U.S.A., isnít just another porn film. No, no. Itís a "report made totally for the advancement of understanding and knowledge pertaining to love and its by-products in all forms." Exactly. Of course, the only "by-product" here is semen starting with the prehistoric stag film, A Free Ride, "considered to be one of the very first sex films ever made," in which two flappers pump semen in the sticks.
Then ó surprise! ó we watch the infamous EDWARD D. WOOD, JR. take pictures of smut-star CASEY LORRAIN! This segues into JOHN HOLMES getting a blowjob from a pretty wraith of a girl in a film that weíre told "could be entered in the Cannes Film Festival." Absolutely!
We next visit the set of a porno movie (Tomatoes) where a giant orgy is in progress. A guy with a mike waddles around commenting and interviews ANNA TRAVERS, tied to a door. "Notice the dignity which prevails," he says. Youíll also notice all the dicks in the galsí mouths.
After that, we go "beyond the orgasm" to watch John Holmes jam two California surfer gals with that giant thing of his.
Peculiarly, weíre then taken to a west-coast "Gay-ln" where various lesbians and homos are interviewed, as well as a tough gay-basher who turns out to be wearing nylons and high heels and who also just happens to be producer/director JOSEPH P. (The Slime People) ROBERTSON!
Ainít porno fun. Two smutucational 8.5ís on the star-studded Pervo bonermeter.
ó Prince Pervo
Suzanne FieldsOther cast:
Rene Bond, Andy Bellamy, Nancy Martin, Chlorine Stillwater, Eve Orlon, Kim Dupont, Ric Lutze, Ed D. Wood Jr., Casey Lorraine, John Holmes, Anna Travers, Joe Robertson