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Never trust a nudist wearing clothes. They’ll sweet talk ya, act like they’re your best friend, and the next thing you know, they’ve brainwashed you into strolling around bare-ass naked in some goddamn nudist camp. They’re like members of a cult.
Just ask Tina Murray. An American visiting England, she meets Patrick Kneely (CARL CONWAY of Nature’s Paradise) and Mrs. Darwell at a local pub who immediately entreat her to stay overnight at Camp Hamilton, “a fun camp” and “a grand opportunity to meet some real friendly folks.” Tina thanks them but peddles off on her bicycle. Unfortunately, Tina also peddles off the road and right into a lake. Kneely, who’s been following her, quickly fishes her out and whisks her off to the camp, ostensibly to put her in dry clothes. Yeah, right...
Of course, no one bothers to tell Tina that Camp Hamilton is crammed to the gills with nudists. The horror doesn’t sink in until the next morning when the poor gal wakes in pajamas, looks down at Patrick’s exposed manhood, and promptly faints. But the moment “Miss Prim and Proper” comes to, the indoctrination begins: “Doctors, barristers, architects, business executives, respectable shopkeepers... could you ever call them indecent?” Well... yes, we could.
Worse, Tina’s clothes are with her bicycle at the front gate and there’s a camp rule that guests “are not allowed to wear clothes until six o’clock.” (Or what? Nudist cops will throw you in Nudist Jail?) Patrick gives her an ultimatum: “You can either wait till six o’clock and go down to the gate in my pajamas or you can go now, proudly naked, with your head held high, feeling clean and right somehow as that woman did who was the first of her sex to light up a cigarette in public or the first of her sex to walk into a man’s barbershop and say, ‘Gimme a haircut, please!’” (Oh dear... We’ve been out in the sun far too long, haven’t we?)
Finally, during a nudist beauty contest (where “The Imp-Probable” Mr. WEEGEE can be glimpsed as one of the judges), Tina finally cracks, charges out of her room wearing only the wind, and wanders off into the shrubbery with Patrick.
My Bare Lady. She should’ve been named Eliza Wearlittle.
From the 35mm naked-as-a-jaybird negative.-- François Pinky
Carl ConwayOther cast:
Nina Huntredos, Kenneth McLellandDirected by: